When you and your wife are going through a rough season, here is a note to self, to help you avoid being a jerk.

1. Be happily positive – Even if you had a bad time yesterday or an hour ago, don’t let it hang over on you now. A little humour, a silly meme or a shared joke can remind her that life is not all heavy.
2. No grand pronouncements – Speak to her like you’re “up the back of the room,” not “up the front of the room.”
3. Let her off the hook – let her bow out graciously, don’t hold her to something she said, in the heat of the moment. If she’s withdrawn, unreasonable, irritable or distant, it’s probably not about you . Stay steady and keep showng up.
4. Love, and don’t keep score – Every act of service, every kind word, present, back rub, is a gift. If you’re too depleted, don’t do it. Instead, go fuel up by finding God’s presence.
5. If possible, withdraw before you get tired – so that you end on a nice note.
6. Keep her best in mind – If she can’t think straight, then you may have to do the thinking for her. But make sure she gets a very good deal.
7. You don’t have to solve all the problems today – Quietly work on some. Make a dent, and do it happily.
8. Appreciate out loud – Notice and vocalize the good things she does, even small ones. Genuine compliments and gratitude can be a lifeline.
9. Hold space without fixing – Sometimes, she just needs to vent or be upset without a solution. Be a safe place for that.
10. Keep a steady rhythm – Stability is comforting. Keep up small rituals, whether it’s morning coffee, a walk, or a shared TV show.
11. Trust her resilience – She may feel lost, but she’s not broken. Believe in her ability to navigate this, even if she doesn’t believe in herself right now.